


Broken

by Val_Brown



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Child Death, Grief, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-12
Updated: 2011-06-12
Packaged: 2017-10-20 08:50:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/210947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Val_Brown/pseuds/Val_Brown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anon prompt from Glam_Kink on LJ</p><p>I would really like a fic on the rarely explored side of mpreg. I'm not picky on why they don't have the child, be it a abortion, a spontaneous abortion or an accident, I don't care as long as they loose the baby.</p><p>The only thing I do want is for Tommy to be the pregnant one, doesn't have to explain how he can become pregnant as I want the focus to be on the miscarriage/abortion/accident and the aftermath of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

It started with a laugh and so many plans. It ended with a scream and endless tears.

~~~~~~~~~

 _“Mr. Ratliff?”_

Tommy slowly opened his eyes with a groan and looked to his left. Adam was holding his hand, his face red; it looked like he had been crying.

“Tommy?” Adam squeezed Tommy’s hand and reached for a cup of water, holding the straw so Tommy could drink.

“Adam… where is she?”

Adam just shook his head and looked at the doctor.

“Mr. Ratliff…”

“Tommy, call me Tommy,” Tommy looked between the doctor and Adam, he knew. Deep in his soul, he knew the minute he felt the first pains, he knew. “Please, where is my daughter?”

“I’m sorry Tommy. She didn’t make it.”

The only sound that followed was the anguished cry of a broken heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was three days before Tommy went home; went home empty handed, his heart in shreds. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want anyone to touch him. He just wanted to sleep. At least in his dreams Olivia was there, red hair and brown eyes, looking like her daddies. His chest felt tight, he bit back the tears and climbed the stairs, not letting them fall as he passed her room, the sobs catching in his throat.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam watched Tommy climb the stairs, each step breaking his own heart a little more. He knew how excited Tommy was about having Olivia, hell they both were. Their child… Theirs. A little girl. Adam fell to his knees, the tears flowing freely down his cheeks. He had to stay strong for Tommy; he had to make sure Tommy was okay, even if it meant prolonging his own grief. Pulling himself together, Adam wiped his face and went to the kitchen to make Tommy some tea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tommy curled into a ball on his side of the bed; the physical pain wasn’t as bad as it was in the hospital, more of a throb as opposed to a sharp spike. Nothing a Percocet wouldn’t fix, but there was nothing that could fix the soul searing ache he felt every time he thought of his beautiful baby. He got to hold her; she was so tiny, barely fourteen inches long, just over one pound. She was hardly any bigger than his hand. Holding the tiny blanket tightly; he cried.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been a month. One month since they lost her, one month since their world shattered. Bent over his desk, Adam scribbled lyrics, lyrics about lost love, about broken hearts. He sighed and looked toward the ceiling. He could hear Tommy playing his guitar; it was all he did anymore. It took a fight to get him to eat and he’s about given up getting Tommy to sleep. Tommy was now a shell of the man he used to be and although Adam thought it impossible, seeing Tommy deteriorate like this simply broke him more. He knew they would have to try grief counseling if they were to get through this, but how would Tommy react?

~~~~~~~~~~~

He agreed to try the counseling. A group for grieving parents. It proved to be a disaster.

“Tommy, tell us how you’re feeling today.”

“I’m feeling the same as I was yesterday, hollow. I don’t understand why she is gone. I did everything right, why is she not here?”

“Sometimes the Lord…”

“NO! Do not try and feed me that bullshit ‘It’s the Lords way’ line… If a God did exist, what good reason would there be for taking our daughter? She was a baby! She didn’t do anything; she never lived, if _your God_ was this loving God why would he take our baby?? There was no reason… So don’t try and feed me that shit!” Tommy leapt to his feet and slammed out of the room.

He didn’t speak to Adam the entire drive home.

That night, they slept in separate rooms for the first time since they’ve known each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam stared at the empty space in his bed. In all the years that he and Tommy have been together, they had never slept apart. Even when they were just friends, they shared a bed. This separation hurt almost as badly as losing Olivia. It made the pain spike. Throwing his blankets off, Adam slipped from the bed. He needed to go to Tommy.

Stopping in front of the closed nursery door he could hear Tommy speaking softly.

 _“Olivia, it feels like I’m the only one feeling this pain. I mean, I know your daddy loves you and wishes you were here, but it still feels like I’m going through this all by myself. I need him, but I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t want to push him away, but I know that I am. I’m scared he’s going to leave me, because I failed him; because I couldn’t keep you safe, because I let you die. I just wasn’t strong enough to carry you. I’m sorry I let you die, I’m so, so sorry.”_

Adam took a step back, his hand over his mouth. He felt sick. How could Tommy think that? Was that what he was projecting? That he blamed Tommy? Just the thought of this made him violently ill and he rushed to the bathroom where he emptied his stomach. Sitting back against the cold tile, he cried.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tommy looked up from his coffee and took in his boyfriend. Adam looked like a shadow; he hadn’t shaved in days, dark circles under his eyes, he looked… broken, and that was his fault. Biting back the tears, Tommy stood up and put his cup on the counter, he turned to Adam.

“I think I should leave.”

“What? Why?” Adam shot to his feet, crossing the room to stand in front of Tommy. His hands stayed at his side, fisted.

“I think… I just…” Tommy couldn’t look him in the eyes; he stared at Adam’s chest, tears burning behind his eyes.

“Why do you want to leave?” Adam’s whispered tears making his voice thick. Tommy felt Adam’s hand on his jaw.

“I don’t want to leave, but I have to.”

“Why? I don’t understand. Don’t… Don’t you know how much I love you?”

“It’s my fault; I know you think that too. I can’t stay here knowing how unhappy I’m making you,” Tommy pulled his face away from Adam’s hand.

“Oh god, Tommy… I don’t…” Adam said as he roughly grabbed Tommy and pulled him into a crushing hug. “Baby, it’s not your fault. You did everything right. It’s not your fault, I would never think that.”

“I was supposed to keep her safe, Adam… I was supposed…” Tommy shattered, his legs folding under him as he sobbed, clinging to Adam like he was the only thing keeping him from drowning. “It’s my fault Adam, it’s my fault. I wasn’t strong enough; I should have kept her safe.”

“Tommy, shhhh, it’s not your fault. There was nothing we could do; there was nothing **you** could do. I have **never** blamed you, never. You did everything right, you were perfect,” Adam said as he held Tommy tight, the tears flowing unchecked down his cheeks. He could feel Tommy’s tears soaking through his shirt.

“It hurts, it hurts so much.”

“I know baby, I know.”

“Can we make it through this? I’m scared you’ll want to leave me.”

“We can do this; we can get through this together and come out stronger. I believe in us Tommy.”

“It’s gonna be so hard. Can we make it Adam? Can we…”

“Baby, look at me,” Adam forced Tommy to look up, both hands cupping his face, his eyes searching Tommy’s. “Yes, we can. We are strong, **you** are strong. You make me strong.”

“I love you,” Tommy whispered against Adam’s lips. “Love you so much.”

“I love you too, forever.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nine months after burying Olivia, Tommy stood in the bathroom he shared with Adam and stared at his hand. A mixture of paralyzing fear and blinding joy coursed through him as he looked at the small blue plus sign.

Another chance.


End file.
